Friday, November 15, 2013

Sponge Bob and the Anal Lick Analysis

I had my favorite shitty job the year I graduated from college. I'd had many a shitty job before that and have had many since. But none did I enjoy as much as my year long stint in the Chemistry department at the university from which I'd just graduated.

I found the job on a flyer in the student union. 

"Administrative Assistant Needed," it read. "Filing. Microsoft Word. Slow typists okay."

The job description pretty much captured the sum total of my abilities.

Even though I'd been an English major, I'd never learned proper, all-fingers-on-the- keyboard typing technique. While writing long papers had vastly improved my hunt-and-peck style, I was nowhere in the league of career secretaries. A "slow typist," I was, indeed. And what with the "Filing," it seemed the perfect job for me.

What was I going to do with an English degree anyway? Friends who'd majored in communications or film already had cool, interesting jobs lined up, thanks to the cool, interesting internships they'd completed during undergrad. The extent of my extracurricular activities had been seeing how many mixed drinks I could hold down, once combined with a late night bag of Cheetos.

These activities continued during my employment at the Chemistry department.

One morning, in a stall in the ladies' room, as I loudly and uncontrollably vomited up the result of the seven Amaretto Sours given to me for free at Stacy and Macy's Drag Dance Off-apalooza and half a bag of Cheetos from the night before, I heard someone come in.

I peeked through the crack of the stall door. 

It was Agatha, the pinched, anemic-looking head of the department.

Agatha had a tight, restricted bob so neat, it looked like a Hasidic wig and carried a tote bag that read, "It's All About Chemistry!" Underneath which was a picture of two beakers meeting in a kiss.

I pressed my hands to my mouth and tried to suppress my dry heaving, to no avail. I retched and a loud torrent of liquid Cheetos projectiled into the toilet. I wiped at my mouth and bent and peeked down under the stall. 

Agatha's Easy Spirits were directly in front of the door.  She was, presumably, peering at my feet.

Which really wouldn't have been that much of a problem had they been simple black or brown shoes. But they were green and blue leather, Bozo the Clown boots. They were unmistakably mine.

I could only hope she'd tell my boss that I'd been puking up my breakfast because of bulimia, which was a Personal Problem instead of Cheetos and Amaretto Sours because of a Binge Drinking Problem. Which was a Lazy, Useless, Slacker Sack of Shit Problem.

When people had Personal Problems at work, they'd send them to the university clinic for counseling. And that meant at least a whole blessed hour or two away from the office, once or twice at week.

Plus, having Personal Problems meant you never got fired.

Case in point: Dr. Grokln, who'd been on "sabbatical" for the past two years. The "sabbatical" had, of course, been a forced one as Dr. Grokln was completely and utterly off his fucking nut. His Personal Problems had become glaringly apparent right around the time he'd submitted a paper entitled, "Sponge Bob Exists: A Gravimetric Analysis."

Like many nervous, paranoid, delusional nutcases, Dr. Grokln chainsmoked. In his office. Even though it was a non-smoking building. During his "sabbatical," I used the master key and chainsmoked to my heart's content in his office with the door locked.

This would have been a lot more relaxing had his nonsensical scribblings about the electromagnetic radiation of Rice Krispy Treats and Nerf balls not still been tacked up to the wall.  Still, as I'd blow out a long plume of smoke, I'd bless him for his cancer stick habit and hope that wherever he was, the electroshock treatment and metal restraints were treating him well. And that the Thorazine drip hadn't altered his belief, based on "empirical evidence" and "extensive testing," that Sponge Bob did, in fact, exist.

One of the other perks of my job, besides a darkened, smoke-choked chamber filled with disturbing chemical diagrams that mostly proved the existence of various cartoon characters, was that I had complete, unlimited access to purchase anything from the Staples catalogue.

Since I was so broke, this meant that most of the foodstuffs in the cupboard of my apartment were ordered from the Staples Office Kitchen section: Ramen noodle cups, cocoa, gummi bears, pretzels, gum, vanilla wafers and mustard packets. To this day, the smell and texture of gummi bears reminds me of the days when most of my sustenance was procured through a catalogue other people use to obtain White Out and Post-It notes.

Besides ordering office supplies, one of my other responsibilities was to approve the time sheets of several work-study students under my supervision. Three of them were a year younger than me; the other two were grad students several years older.

All of them came in at least an hour late every day. And none of them did any work.

One of them, Zoe, I hardly ever saw although she'd fill out a time sheet each week claiming she'd worked every day. I heard from one of the other work-study students that Zoe had blown her boyfriend in the department's third floor conference room one night after their roommates had locked them out of the house.

It didn't matter. 

Without exception, I'd hit "MAXIMUM HOURS WORKED" on their online time sheets and go back to fashioning my ever-expanding paper clip sculpture.

If they were work-study students, I reasoned, they needed the cash more than the university, with its coffers swollen with bank from prep school rejects and hard partying Eurotrash.

And who was I to judge, anyway?  When I wasn't chainsmoking in Dr. Grokln's office and staring at chemical diagrams of the Smurfs' extended family tree on his wall, I sat slack-jawed at my desk, watching videos of animals doing people things and making long distance phone calls.

So I didn't give a shit that Hamlin, who washed down his morning Ritalin with a giant cup of black coffee, spent almost every day on the label maker, typing up stickers like "PHONE" and "STAPLER" and "FOLDER" and then pasting them to their appropriate objects. By the time he graduated, there wasn't one surface in the entire front office that wasn't covered.

And I didn't give a shit that Mina, who was supposed to type up fliers for upcoming Chemistry department seminars, couldn't spell or proofread worth a turd and once posted a sign that read, "Know for Sure: Treatment of Anal Lical Data."

And I didn't give a shit that Andy, a mild-mannered senior, would come in for his shift, check his email and then announce that he was going on a mail run.

 "Okay," I'd grunt noncommittally, knowing that he wouldn't re-appear until fifteen minutes remained of his shift. And that when he did, his eyes would be glazed and vacant from the pot he'd smoked on his three hour long "mail run."

Once I realized this, I'd have Andy go to Chinatown for me to pick up my pot from George, my dealer.

I suspect that Andy pinched from my bag but it was worth it not to have to interact with George who'd once confessed to me that if his pot trade didn't work out, he had an escort service lined up and ready to go and did I have any friends who'd be interested in making a quick buck or maybe I'd be interested, seeing as it would be a strictly classy venture; no weird stuff, just blowjobs and fucking. Maybe some anal, sometimes.  But only if the guy looked clean.


Anonymous said...

God, you're good. (Although maybe I'm saying that because you're ... well, you're me. Straight and female to my gay and male, but you're me.

Anonymous said...

my job sounds a lot like this. so thank god for your blog.

Anonymous said...

I used to steal everything I could from work. I will never have to buy pens and pads of paper ever again for the rest of my life.

Anonymous said...

I wish I knew of a decent pot dealer. Unfortunately, I'm s.o.l. in that department. What's it like?

Anonymous said...

What's it like to know a pot dealer?

Well it's like this: generally they're pretty creepy people.

Some of them are obsessed with mathematics and prog rock, which we all know is a bad combo.

Some often have wild theories about how life and the universe works.

Some of them are afraid of germs and believe that viruses will eventually take over this planet.

Others believe that computer viruses and AI will take over the planet.

And some are just plain mellowed-out, pretty nice people.

note: these dealer character traits are based on real experiences.

Bill Gee said...

I'd pay to fuck you. I'll even lick that sweet pussy of yours til you cum.

Anonymous said...

Bill, you're a sad man.

Anonymous said...

Bill, I think you need to work on your pick up line a bit. Just a thought....

SwallowedAlive said...

Forksplit, I notice that an awful lot of anonymous peoples comment here. Either people are ashamed of reading your excellent writing or . . . are you commenting to yourself?
I was so tempted to make this anonymous.

Anonymous said...


I think the whole anonymous thing is due to the fact that we're all too lazy to register for blogger.

(chicago, il)

brian said...

Holy shit.

I guess i'm totally wrong.

Anonymous said...

anonymous 8:53,

actually, germs and viruses ARE going to take over the planet.


Anonymous said...

Reading this again from someone who read you from your Gawker days and I always thougt it was cool that you have comment moderation on but you'd publish every comment (I think) including pussy licking Bill and even noids tellling you why they hated something you wrote. I always thought that was cool of you.

Peace, Forksplit. Have missed you. Please write some more on this. Miss the laughs

-TC (Austin)