If you must drink, chastised the article, limit it to just one or two.
At this, I laughed aloud.
Whoever can stop at one or two wouldn't be reading the article in the first place.
Be sure to drink plenty of water when you get home, the article continued. Replenishing fluids will ward off any and all hangover woes.
Great idea, I thought. But how about the nights you come home so fucked up, you can barely fit your key into the lock of your door, much less make a beeline to the kitchen to patiently chug the twelve gallons of water it would take to sufficiently flush out all the alcohol in your system?
Be sure to drink plenty of water when you get home, the article continued. Replenishing fluids will ward off any and all hangover woes.
Great idea, I thought. But how about the nights you come home so fucked up, you can barely fit your key into the lock of your door, much less make a beeline to the kitchen to patiently chug the twelve gallons of water it would take to sufficiently flush out all the alcohol in your system?
I don't not drink water when I get home because I don't know that I should. I don't drink water when I get home because usually, I can't. All I can do is stagger toward my bed, flop down onto it with all my clothes on, and then pass out.
I read on, waiting for them to mention Pedialtye but they didn't.
I read on, waiting for them to mention Pedialtye but they didn't.
When I reached the end of the article, it became clear that whoever wrote the thing, no matter how many letters he had behind his name, didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about.
I may not be a doctor but, being a lush myself, I know a thing or two about hangovers.
Pedialtye is the shit the morning after, man. I used to drink Gatorade until my friend Boozer Pete told me all about Pedialtye.
Boozer Pete is one of those guys who's known as a fun Man about Town. Until he hits his thirties, of course. Then he'll just be known as an Alcoholic.
“I order it by the case,” Pete told me. “A lot of the delis near me don’t carry it.”
“That’s fucking pathetic, dude,” I said.
On principle, it's why I won't buy cigarettes by the carton. I mean, I smoke them by the carton but to buy them that way. I don't know. It's just so...sad. What's comes next after buying cigarettes by the carton? Drinking Tang instead of orange juice? Hitting Atlantic City every weekend to feed the slot machines? Staying home during the day so I don't miss my "stories?"
I don’t know. I just can't seem to buy my smokes by the carton. Even if they are ten bucks a pack.
“It’s not pathetic,” Pete insisted. “You know what's really pathetic? Waking up feeling like you’ve been run over by a truck and being out of Pedialtye and your bodega doesn't sell it. And then having to take the M-14 bus crosstown to a Rite Aid while you have shit cramps from the two gallons of sangria you had the night before. That’s pathetic.”
Weed also really helps hangovers. This actually isn't any big secret. But, along with greasy, salty food, it's one of the great next-day curatives. It smoothes out all the rough edges and transforms the sharp, thudding corners of your headache into fuzzy circles that only pulse.
I may not be a doctor but, being a lush myself, I know a thing or two about hangovers.
Pedialtye is the shit the morning after, man. I used to drink Gatorade until my friend Boozer Pete told me all about Pedialtye.
Boozer Pete is one of those guys who's known as a fun Man about Town. Until he hits his thirties, of course. Then he'll just be known as an Alcoholic.
“I order it by the case,” Pete told me. “A lot of the delis near me don’t carry it.”
“That’s fucking pathetic, dude,” I said.
On principle, it's why I won't buy cigarettes by the carton. I mean, I smoke them by the carton but to buy them that way. I don't know. It's just so...sad. What's comes next after buying cigarettes by the carton? Drinking Tang instead of orange juice? Hitting Atlantic City every weekend to feed the slot machines? Staying home during the day so I don't miss my "stories?"
I don’t know. I just can't seem to buy my smokes by the carton. Even if they are ten bucks a pack.
“It’s not pathetic,” Pete insisted. “You know what's really pathetic? Waking up feeling like you’ve been run over by a truck and being out of Pedialtye and your bodega doesn't sell it. And then having to take the M-14 bus crosstown to a Rite Aid while you have shit cramps from the two gallons of sangria you had the night before. That’s pathetic.”
Weed also really helps hangovers. This actually isn't any big secret. But, along with greasy, salty food, it's one of the great next-day curatives. It smoothes out all the rough edges and transforms the sharp, thudding corners of your headache into fuzzy circles that only pulse.
Xanax also does this. Combined together, weed and Xanax make you feel almost human again, providing that being incredibly high and incredibly torpid is a normal human condition.
When I was a kid, my father relied on the old school Bloody Mary to cure his incredibly frequent hangovers. These he'd drink as my mother screamed bloody murder across the breakfast table at him; that if he kept on drinking the way he did, his liver was going to be shot to hell and never mind what it was doing to what was left of his brain cells and what's more, maybe me and the kids won't be here some morning when you finally decide to wake up; how would you like THAT? Oh, what am I saying; you'd be HAPPPY about that, wouldn't you? Don’t shake your head at me, you goddamn, drunken bastard. Just stick your head in your drink and do what you do best.
I used to really hate my father for what he did to my brothers and me. For leaving us to fend for ourselves with a mother who became, for all intents and purposes, our responsibility.
When I became an adult and became intimately acquainted with the vicious throb of hangovers myself, sometimes I can't blame him. Not really.
When I was a kid, my father relied on the old school Bloody Mary to cure his incredibly frequent hangovers. These he'd drink as my mother screamed bloody murder across the breakfast table at him; that if he kept on drinking the way he did, his liver was going to be shot to hell and never mind what it was doing to what was left of his brain cells and what's more, maybe me and the kids won't be here some morning when you finally decide to wake up; how would you like THAT? Oh, what am I saying; you'd be HAPPPY about that, wouldn't you? Don’t shake your head at me, you goddamn, drunken bastard. Just stick your head in your drink and do what you do best.
I used to really hate my father for what he did to my brothers and me. For leaving us to fend for ourselves with a mother who became, for all intents and purposes, our responsibility.
When I became an adult and became intimately acquainted with the vicious throb of hangovers myself, sometimes I can't blame him. Not really.
I wouldn't want to listen to that kind of shit either when I'm hungover.
Never mind having three stricken-looking children silently eyeballing me in mute reproach.
My father was a drunken bastard. But I understand him a lot more now that I'm grown-up.
Never mind having three stricken-looking children silently eyeballing me in mute reproach.
My father was a drunken bastard. But I understand him a lot more now that I'm grown-up.
Because I grew up to be a drunken bastard, too.
14 comments:
The difference Fork, is that you are well loved by the masses and your fans, whereas the same probably can't be said for your father.
Keep your head up Fork, I always look forward to your posts. I hope your job situation isn't stressing you too much.
Best wishes,
Wendy
Alka Seltzer Morning Relief has saved me many mornings.
Agree with Wendy. xoxo
Pedialyte has frozen treats too.
man, i even feel weird buying the 24 packs of TP--should one find oneself in a walmrt or supertarg. not sure im ready to admit i actually shit that much..
Whatever Pedialyte is, I hope it comes to Australia soon.
My friend swore by these fizzy tablets called Hairy Lemon, kind of like Berocca, for hangovers. They stopped producing them so he went to ever chemist he could and bought cases of the stuff.
Pedialyte is just gatorade minus the crap and marketing (and with a lot less sugar). It's for kids (pedia) who have become dehydrated (usually due to vomiting/diarrhea) and need to get their fluids and electrolytes (lyte) back. (parents gotta know this stuff)
It's really just water, salt, sugar. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oral_rehydration_therapy
. So if you get in a pinch, take a liter of water, add 8 tsp sugar and 1 tsp salt, flavor it up to make it drinkable and you're good to go. You could mix up a few gallons worth in a plastic container (mebbe throw in a kool aid package for flavor) and all you'd have to do is scoop a bit into a glass of water.
It's definitely what I'm doing next time I'm hungover.
I buy the Revive (w/ Vitamin B) Vitamin Waters in bulk. When I have an inkling I will be out for the night, I put a bottle on the kitchen counter with a vitamin B tablet, and chug the entire bottle when I get home, prior to passing out. I've always heard Vitamin B eases hangovers, and I assume this is true as I can't remember the last time I had one.
From someone who knows you-
You are many things. A bastard is not one of them.
AD
I second the last comment - also from someone
who knows you! You rock....
I fucking hate alcohol. It's the family gift that keeps on giving... I agree with the other poster, you're probably not a bastard now, but don't let alcohol do to you what it did to your dad. Hang in there Fork, we're all pulling for you.
Isaac
I remember seeing a commercial for pedialyte when it first came around. It really bothered me.
In it, there is a mom feeding a pedialyte to her kid, after the kid finishes his pedialyte, he declares "MORE PEDIALYTLE PLEEEEASE!" and the mom indulges him.
I thought this shit was medicine or something? How inconsiderate of a mom to keep feeding her children pedialytes. I bet that kid is in a coma from his mom-induced OD.
But that kid was super annoying anyways. That commercial is stuck in my brain forever.
Thanks Swampdog. Sounds like a lotta work for a hangover though. When I have a serious hangover I just drink The Black Doctor, as they call Coke in New Zealand. Yeah, it's shit and rots your stomach, but it stops me from vomiting the non-existent contents of that stomach every five minutes.
Another near-non sequitur post in true Forksplit form. Lure me in with the promise of hangover tips, then finish me off with a quick blurb about the crushing effects of the cycle of alcoholism.
I love your blog, I've been reading it -- intermittently, in times of distress -- since your trip to the Apple store.
Tinsel... I think you're thinking of the Ovaltine commercials. Also, your dad was right about one thing... Bloody Mary's are my saving grace with hangovers.
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